all you do is leave me fucking lonely
by awesomari
Summary: My first language isn't english, so I'm sorry for any mistakes. I first wrote this in portuguese so I'm actually trying to translate it now. "We just need to make sure you don't *cough* Donna at the wedding."
1. Chapter 1

It was late at night and Donna was finishing checking the wedding schedule. As maid of honor - and as Donna - she took care of every little detail by herself. She wanted everything to be perfect because Mike and Rachel deserved nothing less than the best.

Rachel was feeling really nervous in the last few days and Donna was trying to help her friend while dealing with the wedding stuff.

On the one hand, the fact that she had a lot to do had its positive aspects: for weeks she didn't have time to deal with how much she missed Harvey and to think about how messed up her life was lately.

 _"Great"_ , she thought, everytime someone called to say that something was wrong and needed fixing or when Rachel called her in the middle of the night crying anxious. _"While I take care of other people's problems, I don't have to think about my own problems"_.

Since the day she kissed Harvey, after the speech about "soul mates" that Louis threw at her, they barely spoken.

Harvey was being Harvey, pretending nothing had happened while treating her like Frozen itself. In so many years he never acted like that with her, not even when she went to work for Louis.

Everytime he looked at her, she felt pain in her chest.

She wanted answers, when she kissed him. And she got them. But, unfortunately, she didn't think about how hard would be for her to handle these answers.

Loving someone unavailable is always hard. But loving Harvey Specter...

 _"I'm Donna. I know everything."_

Not this time. She didn't know how much this would hurt her - not after dealing with those feelings for so many years.

She didn't know - but should've guessed - that this time would be different, because this time she had exposed herself, lowered her guard.

That's why she never acted in impulse. She always thought about pros and cons.

For all those years, Harvey was always a possibility. Always a "maybe". She took a risk,  
And she lost his best friend and the love of her life.

Both, in one shot.

 _No time for it. A lot to do._  
 _A lot to handle._  
 _Maid of honor._  
 _COO._  
 _Best friend._

But almost everything on the list was about to end in the next 24 hours.

And she couldn't even think about what she would do next.

 **x**

Donna woke up in a hurry in the next day. Took a cup of coffee before leave the house to meet Rachel for the wedding day.

They met and the prepartions began. Rachel was nervous but the day was being incredible and Donna couldn't wait to see her friend enter the church, reaching one of her biggest dreams.

Later that day, Donna was almost ready when Rachel hold her arms, clearly freaking out and asked her:

\- Donna, I need you to check on Mike.

\- Why would I do that? He's with Harvey. The bestman had the responsabily for the groom - she joked.

\- I don't care about any of this. You're my maid of honor and I trust you - Rachel answered, with no smile on her face.

\- Rachel, Mike is fine. Breathe - Donna hold Rachel's hands, trying to calm her down.

\- Donna, he already left me once. I need to be sure that I won't put on that dress for nothing, again.

\- Rachel, seriously, I prom...

\- DONNA!

Donna understood that she probably wouldn't be able to make her friend calm herself down without talking to Mike. She took a deep breathe.

\- Ok, Rach, I'll be right back.

 **x**

The guests were all at the hotel and Donna left trying to find Mike. She hadn't see anyone all day.

To be honest with herself, she was really trying to avoid Harvey.

And, while she was walking around, trying to find the groom, she prayed to every saint she remembered, asking them to make the bestman go away miraculously.

Apparently, the saints had more to do in that day.

\- Donna, what are you doing here? Did Rachel give up the wedding? She ran away through the window and you can't find her anywhere? - for sure the bride wasn't the only one nervous there.

Donna heard a laugh that made her heart stop and saw Harvey having fun with his friend's speech.

She felt butterflies in her stomach.

It's being a while since the last time she saw him laughing.

She tried to stay calm.

\- Breathe, Mike. Everything is just fine. Rachel didn't run through the window... - she saw that he would probably think about other places for Rachel to run through - neither through the door or through the roof. She's not going anywhere, honey - Donna touched his arm, while he was calming down. - But you're not the only one scared. She wanted me to check if you wouldn't give up.

Mike laughed but Harvey replied.

\- And would I let him go? - he said to her.

\- You don't have a good history in this regard - Donna answered, without thinking.

Suddenly, you could almost touch the tension in the air. She was feeling really nervous.

She was exausthed of everything.

She said goodbye to Mike and left the room.

 **x**

Donna was at the altar, waiting for Rachel. Harvey was next to Mike and hadn't looked at her once.

She was pissed and she knew he was too because of her answer. She almost felt guilty.

Almost.

Because for a long time, she blamed herself. She blamed herself for the kiss, for the impulsive behavior, for putting Harvey in a position she knew he hated: a cheater.

She knew he hated her for that. But she was just so fucking tired; tired of dealing with everyone's problems and forgetting herself.

She wasn't the only one to blame - not when he kissed her back. Not when he could've stopped the kiss. He needed to learn to deal with his own choices, with his own actions, with his own feelings.

He had to learn to do things by himself.

Or, anyways, Paula could help him.

 **x**

The wedding was amazing. Everything happened exactly as planned and the smile on Rachel's face made Donna so happy that she was feeling really good.

Donna was waiting to see Paula at some point, but that didn't happen. She thought it was weird, because she had personally send the invitation to her.

She thought about not to.

But she did.

And Paula wasn't there.

 **x**

Everything was going on without any problems at the beggining of the party.

Was.

\- Donna, I have a surprise for you! - apparetly Rachel had drunk too much champagne already.

\- Ok, Rach, I hope it includes you exchanging alcohol for a glass of water - she answered, concerned.

\- Don't worry. My daddy made me drink some whiskey that is tradition in family marriages and it seems to explain a lot of crazy stories that I heard about Zane's weddings... - she laught to a desesperate Donna. - Breathe, Donna. I'll drink water, I promise! Now come on! My surprise!

\- Oh, wait. Go where?

\- I may or may not have included a dance in my schedule...

\- Rach, you dance with Mike, sweetie. I'm de maid of honor, not the bride. You don't...

\- Donna, the maid of honor and the bestman are going to dance with us. You and Harvey need to be ready.

Rachel delivered the information really fast. So fast that Donna almost didn't get it.

\- You WHAT? DANCE? Rachel, you apparently started drink long before this party...

\- Donna, please! I can't have a wedding where Donna and Harvey won't dance together! Mike will be really traumatized for the rest of this life is his parents doesn't obey the schedule...

\- Rachel! Harvey and I aren't even talking to each other! How are we going to dance together? You didn't think about asking, I don't know, Paula?

\- Asking his ex-girlfriend... or should I say ex-therapist? - Rachel made a confused face. = Anyways, I wouldn't ask that woman to dance at my wedding. Much less now when she's not even dating Harvey anymore...

\- They broke up? And you didn't think about telling me about it?

\- Of course I did. But you wouldn't let me! You were so focused on planning everything that if the world had ended you probably wouldn't have realized.

Rachel had a point.

But Harvey and Paula... They broke up because of her? Was it her fault?

There was a really impatient bride in that room.

\- DONNA! - Rachel snapped her fingers in front of Donna's face. - The dance! You can ask Harvey about the break up...

Donna rolled her eyes,

\- I can't believe you will really put me through this situation.

Rachel smiled like a little kid while they walked to the dance floor. Mike was waiting for them with the same kind of smile. It was as if Christmas had arrived earlier.

"Kids..." - Donna thought.

 **x**

Donna and Harvey were waiting for the right moment to enter the dance floor. Rachel and Mike were dancing and they were supposed to go a few moments later.

Someone gave them the sign and Harvey took Donna's hands, while they started walking together, side by side, until the moment they started to dance.

Donna felt Harvey's hand on her back, touching right directly on her skin. A shiver ran through her body. For a moment she thought her legs could not hold her weight.

Apparently, Harvey felt her weakness because he pulled her closer, sticking their bodies together.

She felt his breath in the ear.  
He felt it too.  
Donna's hand was on the back of his neck.  
He had never been so nervous in his entire life.

 _"Cause we were just kids when we fell in love, not knowing what it was... I will not give you up this time..."_

For a while they were silent as they danced slowly.

The song lyrics chosen by Rachel were not really helping Donna keep her cool.

She didn't know if she wanted to hit Harvey for everything or hug him with all her strenght.

Probably both.

Every second in silence made her feel more nervous.

 _"When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath but you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight ..."_

\- You look just gorgeous today - Donna heard Harvey whisper in her ear.

 _"Weeks practically without talking to me and now this, all of a sudden?"_

\- Thank you - she replied, trying to keep her voice steady.

She felt him sigh, the air rasping in her ear, causing her to be completely chilled.

The song was over. Everyone was applauding.

Suddenly, they were taken out of the trance they had entered, with Rachel pulling her friend by the arm and Mike making some joke about the thrill of having their parents keeping company in their first dance. Donna did not look toward Harvey as she followed Rachel, but she could feel his eyes burning over her.

 **x**

Later, Donna was going to the bathroom after finishing a dance with one of the friiends Mike had done at the clinic when she felt a hand hold onto her arm, pulling her into one of the rooms around the hall of the party.

It was Harvey.

The door slammed as he released her. It was a large room, practically empty, with a few tables and spare utensils.

They were alone.

\- What the fuck, Harvey? - Donna asked irritably.

\- I'd also like to know, Donna. Was the dance good?

She was confused because he seemed to be drunk.

And she never saw him drunk, in all the years of friendship and work by his side. Self-control was an important aspect of Harvey's life.

Something was definitely wrong.

\- You drank too much, did not you? I'm not going to talk to you like this - she replied, trying to get past him to the door.

But she failed. Harvey reached out, blocking her with his arm.

\- Of course I did, Donna. We're at a wedding. My best friend is just married! It's all romance! - he laughed ironical. - And my life is still shit.

\- What do you want, Harvey? Because I want to get out of here.

\- And find your little friend? Do you want another dance, Donna?

\- And what if I do? The last time I checked, I was single and free.

\- You kiss me, you destroy my relationship, and now you want to leave for another man, Donna? Really?

She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

Typical.

\- You know what, Harvey? Grow up! It's past time for you to learn to deal with your own choices, with your own attitudes.

She tried to leave again, but he stopped her with the same damn arm.

\- Harvey. You're making me nervous.

\- Good. So now you understand how I'm feeling.

Donna's blood was boiling. She could feel that her own self-control was also going away and she had not even drunk for it.

\- Harvey... - she said, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. - What do you want?

\- You! I want you, Donna - He reached for her arm.

But she was already too angry and pulled her arm away.

\- And you think that's the way it is, Harvey? That I'm at your disposal? That you can treat me like a stranger for weeks and then just have me whenever you want?

Suddenly, everything she had kept for years, all her frustrations, everything started to bubble in her mind and come out of her mouth, as if a barrier had simply broken.

\- I'm not yours, Harvey. You have no domain over me. I was wrong to let you believe that you had, but YOU. DON'T.

Harvey turned on his back, placing his hands on his head, clearly nervous.

\- What did you expect? You put me in the worst position ever! You made me betray my girlfriend. You know how much I hate betrayal, Donna, you know about my mother!

\- "I, I, I" - Donna repeated, ironically. - EVERYTHING is about you, ALWAYS. The world revolves around you. I spin around you. It's your feelings, your wants, your traumas. What about me, Harvey? At some point did you stop to wonder about what I feel? About MY feelings? Of course not.

\- I care about you, Donna! I've always been by your side ...

\- You were not even capable to tell me how you felt, Harvey. All you've done, all these years, was leave. ALWAYS. In absolutely EVERY time I needed you, every time I wanted you, you only knew how to leave me lonely.

\- That's a lie! I did everything in my power for you to stay out of jail, I helped your dad, I ...

\- WHATEVER! You solve the life of your CLIENTS, Harvey! I'm not your client! When I asked you how you loved me, you RAN AWAY. When I said that I wanted more, you RAN TO THE ARMS OF YOUR THERAPIST!

\- WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE?

\- Stayed, Harvey. Faced your fears, lowered your guard. Exactly what I did for you during ALL THOSE DAMN YEARS!

\- Did you? While you slept with Mark or while you were in Stephen's bed?

Donna had never felt such anger in her life. She slapped his face.


	2. Chapter 2

Harvey expected everything but that. The slap hit his face and he saw himself in the middle of a lot of completely mixed emotions - anger, sadness, confusion, desire.

All together with a huge amount of alcohol that he had ingested.

He looked at Donna, who was in front of him, with her hand still in the air. Her face reflected basically everything he was feeling himself. It was like looking in the mirror.

Donna was breathing heavily, bursting with rage. How did he have the nerve to tell her that? The moment she thought of saying something, Harvey grabbed her arm and pushed her against the wall.

The next thing she felt was his mouth against hers.

The kiss was anxious, desperate with anger and desire.

He was pressing her agaisnt the wall, one hand holding her arm over her head and the other holding onto the back of her neck, his fingers between her hair.  
She felt the anger foaming inside her, and at the same time she wanted to push him away, she wanted to pull him closer, as if they could melt into one person.

\- You're such a son of a bitch, Harvey - Donna managed to say as he kissed her neck and she ran her fingers through his hair. - I sleep with whomever I want.

\- You used to - Harvey corrected her. - Not anymore. - He kissed her hard again, pressing their bodies even harder.

Donna tried to push him away, but he was stronger and all she could do was make him stop kissing her.

\- I used to sleep with whomever I wanted. I sleep with whomever I want. I will sleep with whomever I want. I go to bed with whomever I want, Harvey. Anytime I want.

As these words came out of her mouth, Harvey looked straight at her. His eyes expressed anger, as she'd never seen before.

\- Oh yes? - Harvey let go her arm that he was holding against the wall. He placed both of his hands on Donna's neck. He put one of his legs between hers, pressing his knee against her sex. He felt Donna tremble. - Were any of them as good as me? - he said, taking his hand from her neck and running it down her body, still holding her neck with the other one. - Any of them made you scream like you did with me?

Donna was completely weak. She was still feeling very angry, she still wanted to hurt him, but she felt her legs soften.

 _"Damn, body"_ , she thought. _"This is not the time to give in."_

But her body was not interested in hearing advices.

She tried to stay rational. She knew very well what to say.

\- Well, let's just say that Mark was not far behind you... - she said, with an ironic laugh, biting her own lower lip and closing her eyes at the end of the phrase, as if reliving a pleasant memory.

She felt Harvey's reaction. She had touched his ego.

He grabbed Donna's thighs, lifting her. Involuntarily, she placed her legs around his waist as he kept pressing her against the wall.  
They kept staring at each other for a few seconds. Harvey's eyes made Donna tremble.  
She couldn't tell if they showed anger, desire or both in an extremely dangerous mix.

\- Oh, so he was good? - Harvey questioned, pulling one of his hands from Donna's thighs and slowly passing over her body. She wished her body would stop responding so spontaneously to all of Harvey's touches. He was certainly getting her reactions, because every time she shivered, or her breathing shifted, or her body trembled, she perceived a crooked, proud smile, in the corner of Harvey's lips.

It was not easy to say that anyone could compare to him when her body was responding in such a way to mere touches over her clothes.

He touched her hard, willingly. She could feel all the frustration and all the anger of so much time, so much delay, so much waiting, so much jealous, absolutely everything gathered in that moment.

\- Did his simple touch make you shudder? - Harvey continued, confirming her thoughts.

\- What do you want, Harvey? For me to say that I spent 14 years sexually frustrated because you were too busy fucking all the other women in New York city?

\- Now you want to talk about my affairs? Want to know if someone was better than you?

\- Oh no. If that was the case, you would be between her legs now. Not mine.

He was desperate. Every answer, every word, was only making him want to have her more urgently. He kissed her again, holding her by her legs. Donna's fingers followed the path through Harvey's hair and to the back of his neck. They were practically devouring each other.

Harvey placed one of his hands between Donna's legs, touching her sex. She closed her eyes, breathing hard, desperate for him.

\- Do you intend to finish what you started or do I have to find someone to do it? - Donna asked. They were in there too long. Kissing, teasing. She could not take it anymore. All that tension made her extremely hot and she was about to explode.

\- Donna, do not tease me... - Harvey replied, staring at her as he tried to open the waistband of his pants while her legs were wrapped around him.

Donna took one of her hands and went down to Harvey's pants. He thought she would help him to open the button, but she put her hand on his sex, which was clearly reacting to the situation, squeezing it lightly over his pants.

Harvey closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

\- And what's the fun in that? - she smiled. She took of her hand from where it was, placing it in her own sex. Harvey looked down and, in front of that scene, he couldn't even blink. He seemed to be mesmerized. Donna put a finger inside herself, closing her eyes with the pleasure. When she withdrew it, she placed her finger in Harvey's mouth, who sucked it. - I would like to kill you right now for all the things you said me, but first I'd be glad if you enjoyed it.

She did not have to say anything else. He was stunned, completely engulfed in that moment, with that woman. He didn't remember wanting someone so much in his whole life.

By the time they finally got together, when he finally filled her in, it was not like Mark. Not like Stephen. Or Scottie. Or Zoe. Or any of the thousands of women on Harvey's list.

Nothing was capable to compare to them.


End file.
